BENJAMIN: We're always told addictions can destroy your life.
It's dangerous not being able to control yourself.
Temptation lurks in every corner,
and if you can't remove the source of temptation,
sometimes you have to remove yourself.
(LIVELY CHATTER)
So, guys? Guys!
Candy and I...
..have some news.
We've talked about it heaps now,
and we've been trying and trying to get the timing right.
We're taking you camping!
(LAUGHS)
Every year, me and my parents camp out at the same spot.
Just us and nature in the middle of nowhere.
No distractions. No temptations. Leave your worries behind.
Come back a new person.
Sounds awesome!
(PHONES CHIME)
(GROANS) Wayne's updated the camping checklist again.
Guys, it'll be fun! New experiences. New atmosphere.
Yeah, new experiences like poo in the woods!
We're pooing in the woods?
Guys, camping's Wayne's family tradition.
Great tradition - being raped and killed by dingo.
PETE: See you, Wombat.
Bye, Dad. You too.
Ooh, lover boy's here! Ai-ya, shut up!
Ask him to come camping. (SCOFFS)
Hey, Pete!
OK, question. You're white.
Why do your people love camping so much?
Um...
Pete! Hello?
Hey. You're not embarrassed about what happened, are you?
Don't be. I took it as a compliment.
I've got to go. Work.
It's fine. Really.
So you came in your pants. No big deal.
I pooed my pants after giving birth to Andrew.
Sorry, Jenny. Now's not a good time.
OK. No worries.
Talk later? No.
I mean now's not a good time... generally.
Are you ending it?
Over this? Over that?
It was just one date, that's all.
I'm sorry you got the wrong impression.
(STARTS ENGINE)
Dried beef. (SIGHS)
Dried noodle.
Dried food for dried-up women.
So, is Pete coming? Oh! No more Pete.
Mummy ended it.
Wait, what? (KNOCK AT DOOR)
(SIGHS) It was nothing. Just one date.
But you really liked him.
Yeah, well... things change.
Uh, Sam-Gor, you have a visitor.
Klaus? What...?
Think we had a mix-up in our lockers today.
These are yours.
Man, camping is the best.
There's something about the outdoors that connects you to your true self.
Yeah, totally. Oh!
Wow!
Oh, you can see right through to my house from here!
That... that's my room!
Yeah! Oop!
Um... it's for astronomical use only. Must have slipped down.
Ohh! Man, your bed is comfy.
I always wanted a Posturepedic.
Mum and Dad don't like synthetic fibres, so...
Uh... Here, found them! Thanks!
Oh.
He was in my bed! Touching my junk!
That really is overstepping. Right! Who does that?
Sorry, Klaus, but I decide the people who come into my room
and the circumstances in which they arrive.
Hi, Ben. Hello, Klaus.
Here. Take this.
No. It's cool.
Trust me. Camping is not the same without it.
I took it on my charity trip to Nepal. It was amazing.
Freshly washed, too. Although, Mum says it still smells like me.
Mmm! Wow! It really does smell like...
Stop that!
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold up, buddy.
Large, non-flexible items first,
then... (CLICKS) ..we're gonna build around.
Alright? Let's get methodical, people!
(ALL ARGUE)
MICHELLE: I have no room! Stop, stop, stop!
I said there's no space.
No, stop squishing ME! I'm not! Just move over, please!
No, I can't! (GROANS)
Girls! Everyone comfy?
No. MICHELLE: Uh, not really.
I can't feel my legs.
Well, Tam, some people HAVE no legs. To the bush!
BENJAMIN: I spy with my little eye something beginning with S.
MICHELLE: Shut up.
Welcome, Laws, to this special part of the country.
(FLY BUZZES)
For the local Aboriginal people of this area...
To whom I may have ancestral ties.
..this was once a sacred meeting spot.
But now it's ours.
Wait, what happened to the local...
Camping isn't a holiday!
Dangers abound.
Three of the most poisonous spiders and two of the most poisonous snakes
call this home too.
Whoa. But don't worry.
First aid kits - badoop! - Are next to the eskies.
And me, Mum and Dad have up-to-date qualifications.
Main things to remember - stop 'em bleedin', keep 'em breathin'.
Everything else is just buttons and bows.
And stay within screaming distance and you should be fine.
Okey-dokey-smoky!
Sleeping arrangements.
Couples together. Me and Lorraine. Candy and Wayne.
Danny and Ming-Mong. Ming-Zhu.
And the kids - Andrew and Ben.
Oh, like old times!
And Jenny with Tammy and Michelle.
Well, don't just stand there, people! Let's get set up!
Yee-hoo!
(BUSY CHATTER)
JENNY: Mich... Michelle. Come. Come. BENJAMIN: Use your hands.
Righto, gentlemen.
Watch closely.
Man goes into woman.
Bob's your uncle, and erect.
Hey. Can you help?
Ming-Zhu's not feeling so good.
She's got the travel sickness, I think.
Sick of hard work, more like! Be nice!
She grew up in Beijing. Her body's probably not used to fresh air.
Ask Gary! I'm busy with this one!
He's busy! And I'm not?
It's better you help. (CALLS OUT) Gary!
Danny need your help!
(SIGHS) Don't worry. It's OK.
Don't be silly. Many hands make light work.
The more fingers, the better. (CHUCKLES)
Shall we start with you? Ladies first.
Jenny, you jump on this side with me. I'll help you with your flap.
Hey, sorry about the tent sitch, by the way.
Oh. You sleeping with the girls.
Oh, it's fine. Mummy-daughter time!
Actually, we thought you might be bringing company.
Candy said something about a new man?
Oh. Nope. No man, new or old.
CANDY: What about Pete? Mum dumped him.
What? Dump who?
No-one! Nothing!
Sorry, Jenny. Didn't mean to be indelicate.
Nobody! Just some man I don't even like anymore.
Hey! (CHUCKLES) Didn't you need help with your tent?
Sorry about before, Mum.
I thought Dad knew.
Mummy's fine!
You want to talk about it?
Ai, what is there to talk?
Pete just another typical dickhead man. What's new?
Not all men are dickheads.
Yes, most men.
Mum, there are heaps of other guys out there.
You're always saying your other half is out there somewhere, right?
Maybe. Maybe not.
Anyway, who cares? Doesn't matter now.
You can try running away,
but your problems will always catch up with you.
(DANNY YELLS)
Mmm. Very impressive.
Very strong.
You OK? You look a bit pale.
(SIGHS) Maybe I should go lie down, hmm?
OK.
So!
You allowed to do secret dating,
but when I do the same thing, end of the world.
Totally different. This was one date.
So the kids knew? Of course. They met him.
They met him? Who is he?
(LAUGHS) Oh! That makes perfect sense!
"Hello, first date. Meet my ex-husband. Enjoy!"
So, what was your problem with HIM?
Just drop it so we can all get back to enjoying nature!
(YELLS)
(QUIET CHATTER)
Mum, you need a chair?
Oh, it's OK. Oh!
Mummy can sit here-lah.
Very comfortable.
GARY: (CHUCKLES) Ahem. Um...
Laws of the land. (CHUCKLES)
Us Kerrs can't tell you how much this all means to us.
Our families joined, bonding over the fabulous outdoors.
We really...
..couldn't ask for more. Aw!
What do we do now?
Funny you should ask. (CHUCKLES)
Or we could play... charades.
'Night! Tam.
Mich!
Yeah, I'm out too.
Sei-lo. Guys, come on!
How often do you play charades with this many people?
I might call it a night too, mate. Maybe we all should, eh?
Been a long day. We want to be fresh for the morning.
'Night, all.
MING-ZHU: I'm so exhausted. But you already had a nap.
My body just so tired lately. I don't know what's wrong with me.
I'll come too.
Guys! The night's young!
It's OK, babe. I'm tired too.
I'm ready for bed.
Hey. You go to sleep too. Mummy's OK.
You sure?
Well... OK. 'Night, Mum.
(SIGHS)
Oh. Bucket for Ming-Zhu just in case.
Oh. I thought she was faking.
Maybe she should go home.
Listen, can I ask you something?
Ai, I'm not talking about Pete, especially with you.
Not about him, about Ming-Zhu.
It's just... she's been like this for a few days.
Especially in the morning time.
Just like when you used to be...
Ming-Zhu's pregnant?!
Gor-Gor, did you hear that?!
Ben! Jesus! Torch!
Listen.
I can't hear anything.
Mum said Ming-Zhu's pregnant.
What?! Shh! Listen!
WAYNE: I can't. I'm really bad at it.
CANDY: Babe, just try.
(WAYNE GROANS)
OK.
I want to run my fingers through...
..your... oily, dirty hair.
Jesus, Wayne!
Thanks, Ben. I can't unhear that.
Not my fault. My sperm too strong.
I just look at woman and bang - pregnant!
Is she on the pill?
I don't know. I never asked.
This is how we ended up with five kids! No communication!
When was her last period, huh? Are her breasts tender?
None of your business!
It's supposed to be YOUR business!
She can't be pregnant. I already have enough kids!
Be a man. Take responsibility. Wear a condom! Get a vasectomy!
Chop off your dick!
Talk to her.
Hi, Ben.
Klaus? What are you doing here?
I want my sleeping bag back.
No, Klaus.
Yes.
No!
What are you doing?
Ai, my baby boy's becoming a man!
(WHISPERS) Don't tell anyone!
OK, OK. Mummy's lips are sealed.
(CHORTLES)
Gor-Gor, shut up! Don't YOU laugh.
All those years cleaning YOUR sheets, like glue factory!
(LOUDLY) Wet dream nothing to be ashamed of.
(GIRLS GIGGLE)
(ALL SNIGGER)
Shut up!
Off to have a private moment?
Hey!
Mum, I can handle this myself.
Ai, don't worry about them. Siblings are supposed to be mean.
When Mummy first got her period,
your yee-ma told me I was dying and life was over.
She was half right.
But this just means you're growing up, blossoming into manhood...
So, hey. New baby, huh?
How did you hear about that?!
Mum, it's camping. Everyone can hear everything.
Nothing's gonna stay a secret.
Especially a baby.
(QUIETLY) Heard the news.
News? No need to act. I know. (CHUCKLES)
Oh. No-one's 100% sure...
Don't worry. We won't breathe a word.
And we'll act totally surprised when Wayne and Candy tell us.
Even if we WERE the last to know.
Lorraine, CANDY'S not pregnant.
We think maybe... No, no! Course not.
Mum's the word. Ha! Literally!
OK, everyone!
Bushwalk time!
(SIGHS)
Talk to Ming-Zhu! Lorraine think Ngar-Yee is pregnant now!
What? Why?
(CALLS OUT) Ming-Zhu! What are you doing?
Yes?
Are you pregnant?
Well, uh... could you be?
(SCOFFS) Me? Pregnant?
(LAUGHS)
Not possible! Why not?
No baby in there.
No offence - never wanted children.
Everything down there all pulled out! I recommend.
Then why so sick?
I think it's my Chinese herbalist's fault.
Needed help with constipation. Think this was too effective.
Oh, thank God! No baby!
What's this about no baby? What baby?
Why are you looking at me?
Oh, no! No, no. Candy was never pregnant.
What? We thought maybe Ming-Zhu was.
Well, why did you tell me Candy was?
I didn't!
Do you think it's funny letting me believe I could be a grandma?
What's going on? Who's a grandma?
Ai-ya, I said nothing to no-one!
I just made up a whole big fat lie myself, did I?
I didn't lie! Well, you weren't telling the truth.
OK, you want the truth?
I hate camping! (GASPS)
No privacy. Nothing but insects and dead cows.
Like prisoner of war!
Well, why did you come, then?
I only came because Pete dumped me and I needed to get away!
Yes, I didn't dump Pete. Pete dumped me.
Because he came in his pants and couldn't handle the embarrassment.
It's a very common problem.
Much more prevalent than you might think.
I'm sorry about what I said. Camping hasn't been so bad.
Actually, it has been pretty bad.
(LAUGHS) That's alright.
That just gives us something to improve on for next year. Hey?
Mmm.
Pete sounds like a bloody clown.
Mate, you're a total catch.
Don't worry. You'll find someone.
Thank you.
Hey, it's late. Bedtime.
It's fine. I'm not tired.
Hey, don't worry about what happened last night.
After what Mummy said today, no-one will remember anyway.
What if it happens again?
So what? Klaus won't mind.
Klaus? What do you mean?
He's a teenager too.
Probably done the same thing in that sleeping bag a hundred times.